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Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most-Douglas Stone,Sheila Heen

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The 10th-anniversary edition of the New York Times business bestseller-now updated with "Answers to Ten Questions People Ask" We attempt or avoid difficult conversations every day-whether dealing with an underperforming employee, disagreeing with a spouse, or negotiating with a client. From the Harvard Negotiation Project, the organization that brought you Getting to Yes, Difficult Conversations provides a step-by-step approach to having those tough conversations with less stress and more success. you'll learn how to: * Decipher the underlying structure of every difficult conversation * Start a conversation without defensiveness * Listen for the meaning of what is not said * Stay balanced in the face of attacks and accusations * Move from emotion to productive problem solving

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I read this as part of my employer’s training and successfully got a public acknowledgement that the disturbing and retrograde sexual harassment vignette in the book is inappropriate and counter to our company’s sexual harassment policy. The vignette says that women who are sexually harassed at work should tally their “contributions” to the harasser’s behavior (the book includes a chart saying a woman agreeing to meet one on one with a male colleague or paying attention to him would explain why he would engage in repeat, unwanted “provocative” behavior). The book recommends that a woman being sexually harassed at work determine how she has contributed to the harassment and apologize to her abuser for her actions. My company leadership was horrified by this portion of the book when I shared it. This advice, if taught, will get companies sued, and is potentially traumatizing for anyone who has experienced sexual assault or sexual harassment because it victim blames for illegal abuse and teaches abusers that their actions are justified.
For several years I've been working in psychotherapy to actually feel my anger - and use it productively so that people don't walk all over me. I used to be such a people-pleaser, i didn't even know when I was angry... and then I would unknowingly turn all my anger on myself - in the form of depression and self-criticism. It can still take awhile for me to realize when I don't like something and am annoyed or frustrated. And when I get angry, I can still become very anxious so it's tempting to vent, thinking I'm so entitled and right. But venting always turns out bad. Now I'm committed to becoming aware when I don't like something - sooner and sooner - and setting boundary or at least expressing what I don't like. Enter this book. It is helping me do all the is MUCH more gracefully. At first I just wanted to set a boundary. Sometimes it came out harsh. Now I understand the importance of staying calm, compassionate and connected with the other person when expressing my likes and dislikes as well as when negotiating and compromising - and staying friends during the whole process! I'm still learning. And reading the book. I'm not depressed anymore. Really. It's really great.

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